"To Die or not to Die"

"It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped."
-----Tony Robbins

The 15th of the month is coming. And it will be a hard time for me to decide whether I would stay on my place or leave. So many things I need to think about. It's like a billiard effect. Once the cue ball moves, eventually all the balls will move and it would take a great player, say, Efren Bata Reyes to calculate where each ball eventually ends.

I want to stay of course, maybe one reason is that I believe it would work out fine in the long run. Another reason might be my pride. Deep inside me I want them to see that I have persisted and is triumphant. I want them to be amazed and then snap! I will leave. "Mga mukhang pera!" " Sinungaling at manloloko!" " Walang pakundangan at walang awa!" Once I reverse our positions I will surely let you taste how hard you made it for me!!! Nice intentions. Maybe not that great. But who can blame me?

If ever I will leave, I will leave behind not only my work, source of income but a lot, A LOT of Obligations. They will be running after me. And I am not that kind of person. I pay my obligations everytime. Well, a little late this days (because I think I am at the lowest state of my life since I was born.) But never will I run from them.

I am also very apprehensive because of my son. I am sure he will have a hard time catching up with changing schools every year. How lovely fate provides...

I need to decide now. There is a chance I could survive for the next month. But with a very large cost that would or not be the nail for my coffin. I hope this is not the last for me. I believe I can do better that this. It's just that I am not so lucky this days. Funny life really is a paradox.

Sometimes I envy some of my past friends who had the chance to go to college. Who doesn't want that? They have endured most of their time in hardships and now they are rewarded. Me on the other hand had endured my own set of trials. But to no avail. But deep inside I am fighting. I will not falter. The right side of my brain continuous to battle. And dragging the weaker left. ( Is it supposed to be the left that is stronger?)

Now is the start of another day. And I would just not accept to die a loser.


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