Blood Clot

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow''

humbug...

I am at a loss now...but still struggling. I need to act fast now. I found a new apartment just a kilometer from my shop. It's not big, just enough for us. It's not pretty either, but homely and I think it's a bit peaceful. The problem is I do not have enough cash for the advance and deposit. I spent my money to repair my pc remember?

Need to make odds meet! God will make a way! I could no longer afford my apartment in Sta. Rosa. I need to transfer now, before somebody else grabs the cheap apartment that I have found. Apartments here costs ranging from 2,500 up, and cheap ones are hard to find.

I finally found my favorite song since elementary...I thought I will not hear it again.
thanks to don...
http://www.angelfire.com/planet/donz65/godwillmakeaway/

God Will Make A Way

Don Moen

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way....
He will make a way

Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way.....
He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
And He will do something new today

Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way...
He will make a way

NARRATION

Oh God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way....
He will make a way

With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way....
He will make a way

I love that song...It reminds me to be strong, likely I need it this time. Need to make a way to stop bleeding...

All I need to do now is wait...wait until God moves...for I cannot do anything anymore... My life bleeds away after all that I have done to prevent it. I need help... I have done everything in my power to fight. But it's just too hard for me. Every time I do something to survive, a new dilemma comes. I hope my waiting would give new hope to stop the bleeding, and I hope my waiting would not result of being bled to death.

" All good things comes to those who wait" - Robert de niro

I successfully uploaded my video to you tube...hopulykit...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ppu4XFzxy_Y

Unearthed Treasure

" It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow."

- Robbert Goddard (Rocket fuel scientist)

9424
My post is a little bit late. I should have written it yesterday.

This is my post to thank a long lost friend who had helped me yesterday. Yesterday I felt so angry at the world. Then help came. It may not be much help but it calmed me.

I am angry at the world because I feel I am alone. I know millions share my experiences today, but somehow I feel trapped, alone in the world.

I just wish these tribulations would end sooner. Deep inside I feel I cannot take it anymore. I am already blinded of my hate. And Blame God whom I know deep inside is my only hope.
I wish I could let Him enter my life again. My life's frustrations had hardened me from my beliefs. Gosh...

Last night I am watching TV in our house. We do not have an antenna. (long story) so I made a makeshift one. The drawback is that sometimes getting a signal is very hard. Sometimes there are only about 2 to 4 channels available. Anyway, I was watching TV then all of a sudden maybe my neighbor turned on their TV and destroyed my viewing time. ( it affects reception so my favorite channel was disconnected.) All of the channels are gone except one. I had to watch the remaining channel, and the show was a evangelical one. (need I tell?)

I was amazed at the man preaching. It is as if he was talking to me in person. His topic is about mine. So I related a lot. Half of me was amazed and was touched. And the other half disbelieves (just a coincidence). Nevertheless his prayer moved me a bit, so dragging my negative personality I tried to listen to his preaching and tried a bit to pray. Maybe a pinch of hope is left in me. Maybe a thread of light shone. (even if it's so faint)

I tried to make a prayer request today as soon as I had the chance. But there's an error in my system. It kept unaccepted. Another proof that there's so many people in this world in need of help, resorting to these sites. The traffic must have been huge.

I hope there's hope for me. I still believe I can manage to crawl out of this slump. These trials are strengthening my resilience. And sometimes (I think) weakening me....Right now I am confused....

A Terrible Day

"Jonelta Banana"

" Amidst a vast dark and gloomy sky peeps a thread of light"

Humbug...

Sorry if my gaphics are bad....I'm having a bad day....

That's it...my landlady warned me that if I could not produce cash tomorrow for my rent, they would be giving my office to another tenant. I could not blame them. That's the reality, they are doing business and when a business goes bad, they have to take actions like what they just did. But deep inside I could not help but despair. "Why this time?" I could have easily produced that amount if not for the vacation season. It's just not fair for me because of their timing. Now I am thinking, "Would I hold on or just let go?" I'm having a big trouble deciding today. And I could not help but cry. Thank God There are no customers. They might think I'm losing my mind.

I could not think of a possible solution right now. The time limit is just too steep. I could not help but faintly blame God. I'm sorry if I'm sinning today. I just could not help it. I could not help but blame Him for forsaking me. Deep inside I'm trying to calm myself, telling myself that it is just one of those trials God has blessed me. And He knows that I can overcome it, just to make me stronger. But another side of me mourns. "Why me? Why this time? Are You not even feeling a bit of pity for my family? Even just for my son? Or You just don't care?" I'm so sorry for my blasphemy. I just couldn't help myself.

Now calm down....I could not calm down...The fire raging inside is so intense I could not hold it down. Maybe I'm thinking I'm on the verge of insanity. Sometimes I even compare myself to people who killed themselves, seeing myself in them, feeling and noticing some common signs. I even see signs in me being crazy. "What if I get outside right now, stab anyone who crosses my path, then kill myself later?" I keep on fighting that feeling. I need someone to talk to...



My Nephew who's as poor as me right now...
9424

A humble Seed: Communist by Heart

VOP chapel....
Used to play ( and pray ) here.....
Thanks to Jethro Yasis for his nice shots...











"People without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture are like trees without roots."

So much memories...


Humbug...

I need not elaborate about my past life in my high school days at the SOM. I feel that I am not even worthy of talking about it. All I can say is that it was a very big part of my life and without it, I may be nothing today. (bakit? something kanaba?) The prestigious school has imprinted an indelible mark on my personality, my beliefs, my whole being. If I hadn't studied there, I would have been a poorer, incapable and incompetent man. Yes I'm still down today, but it would have been worse.

One thing the congregation thought us unknowingly of course is the communist way of life. Once you enter that school. You shed all your belongings down to the underwear and change it to the standard. We virtually have the same kind of clothes, school supplies, toiletries, leisure equipment and mode of education. We even have exactly the same food in almost the same amount each day everyday for the whole year. We receive the same care and attention, medical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual from the modest student to the average to the lowest. A grade A student is treated and educated just as the same as the Grade P's. And FYI, we have no books. We are being spoon fed by our mentors in a way maybe to save the cost of buying several books but for me most specially to learn and develop just as everyone else. Study like everyone else, train like everyone else. The only thing different is how a student accepts and makes use of that equality.

When something goes bad, when there are offenders of the rules, we receive almost the same kind of reprimand, punishment and civil service as everyone else. Fluctuating only in a sense on who's your superior. Whether you are popular or not, you receive the same kind of attention. positive or negative. There may be a little bit of favoritism, and a little of those scum individuals I am not proud of, But our life from the time we wake up till the time we sleep is exactly the same. Yes, we wake up at the same time, brush our teeth, take a bath, study, eat, work, play, pray and sleep at the same time. Accurate to the second.

We plant crops there, sometimes we make some commercial activities and all our harvest will be shared to the very last citizen regardless of the size of his stomach. May sound weird, some say boring. But for me it's like a mini paradise.

I may have said so much, but my point is I have lived there for so long that I had gotten used to it and now I am in the real world, I find it hard to adjust to the impartiality and unfairness of this world. That is the reason I am very ANGRRRRYYY at wealthy individuals.... Yeah its not their fault. But I am just angry. Sue me.